Joke of the Week honors go to Mary Lynn of Ellet and she's got The Works from Klaben to prove it!
Q: how long does a Steelers fan need to reach a blood alcohol of point 8?
A: About two days of NOT drinking.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes on the first date -- it's because the chances are you have small boobs.
Q: Why do Pittsburgh women have trouble finding men?
A: Because they don't like the drunk ones, and the sober ones don't like them.
Q: How do we know Steeler Jim was conceived on a highway?
A: Because that's where most accidents happen.
Rocky is a 7-8 year Shepherd / Lab mix that weighs about 70 pounds. This handsome man loves toys and loves to play. When he plays, he likes to take the toy in his mouth and roll around on the floor with his feet up in the air (it’s very cute and funny). He seems to get along well with other dogs but prefers them to be as chill as him. He would do best in a home with older children. Rocky loves to learn and has already mastered sit, down and is eager to learn so much more. This sweet, loving and goofy boy will rock it out in a home!
Meet Tiki! This big guy arrived at our shelter after being found by a Good Samaritan. Tiki likes to greet you with a friendly meow when you approach him. He loves to be pet around his head and cheek area and will even give head bunts asking for more and more pets. Tiki has a playful side to him too, where he will bat around a little stuffed mice toy or jingly ball. He loves to roll around in cat nip and then take a quick snooze in a comfy cat bed. Tiki hopes you stop by our shelter soon and ask to meet him!
PAWSibilities®, Humane Society of Greater Akron
330-487-0333 | Toll Free: 1 (888) LUV-THEM
Congrats to Debra Carnes of North Canton for the pre-holiday Joke of the Week and winner of The Works package from Klaben Auto!
A husband and wife were waiting at the bus stop with there nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives there were only 10 seats left on the bus. The husband says, "You and the children get on the bus, Honey. I'll walk."
So the husband and the blind man proceed to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the tick-tick-ticking of the man's cane on the sidewalk. The man says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber or something on the end of that stick? That sound is driving me crazy!"
The blind man replies, "Well, if you would have put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be riding the bus!"
Scooby is a 5 year old Shepherd / Rottweiler mix that weighs about 75 pounds. Scooby has a nice easy-going personality and wants nothing more than to be by your side. He gets along well with most other dogs and would enjoy joining an active family. Scooby dooby do you want to adopt this handsome man?
Meet Sunbeam! This social gal arrived at our shelter with her kittens after being found by a Good Samaritan. Sunbeam is a very friendly girl who loves everyone she meets! All Sunbeam wants to do is soak up lots of pets on a warm lap and purr away in pure bliss. Sunbeam also has a playful side that comes out and she will chase around a feathery wand toy or laser pointer until she is wore out and ready for a nap. Sunbeam should do well with children. If you’re interested in adding this little ray of sunshine to your home, please stop by our shelter and ask to meet her today!
Here's the Joke of the Week a day early since Jeff hits the vacation highway...and thanks to Jim Midolo of New London, winning that Klaben Auto Works package with this gem.
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"irl agreed then to have a bath the following .the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The g
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: ", when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was most generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Well, did you see?"
"Yes," he said, "...but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough."
"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't."
Oscar & Meyer are 11 year old Poodle mixes that each weigh about 15 pounds. These sweet brothers came to us after their owner become ill and couldn't care for them anymore. They are very bonded and because of this we are requiring them to be adopted together. You get the best of both worlds with these boys, Oscar is outgoing and playful for his age, and Meyer is the cuddle bug! They get along well with most other dogs and seem to like kitties too! If you think you have room in your home and hearts for these two special boys, visit the PHSGA today!
Meet Honey! This pretty 1 year old girl arrived at our shelter with two of her feline buddies. Honey is a sweet and loving girl who is searching for a home to call her own! Honey does have a bit of a wobble when she walks, but this does not affect her quality of life! Honey doesn't know that she is different from other cats because the way she walks is all she's ever known! Honey takes a couple moments to come out of her shell, but once she does, all Honey wants is to be pet and cuddled! Honey likes to eat treats and she loves cat nip toys! Due to Honey's balance restraints, she may have difficulty going up and down stairs. Honey gets along well with other cats and will be happiest in a home without dogs. If you're interested in meeting Honey, please stop by our shelter and ask to meet her today!
Congrats to Jimmy G. of Akron for the Joke of the Week winner worth The Works from Klaben Auto!
A hitchhiker walks down the road. Unfortunately, he has the runs and has to stop every 15 minutes.
A truck driver stops and offers a ride, but warns him that he won't stop for anything. About 10 minutes on the road, the hitchhiker begs the truck driver to stop, and the driver tells him, "Stick your butt out the window if you have to go so bad."
The hitchhiker sticks his butt out the window and lets loose.
Unfortunately, he doesn't notice the two Steelers fans walking on the roadside. Sprayed with the unholy residue, the first fan wipes his face and says, "What are them truckers chewing these days?"
The second guy -- his name is Jim -- wipes his face and says, "I don't know, but did you see the lips on that guy?"
Delly is a Pit Bull mix that was born around 9/2015 and currently weighs about 45 pounds but could still have some growing to do! He was recently returned because his family was moving. While in the home, he was house-trained and crated-trained but may need some time adjusting to a new schedule and routine. He would do best in a home with older children and has potential with the right dog. He is a sweet, affectionate and energetic pup that loves toys of all kinds. He has a goofball personality and can't wait find a home to call his very own!
Meet Zola! This friendly and petite 2-3 year old girl is hoping her forever home is just around the corner! Zola is a sweet and loving girl who wants nothing more than to curl up in your lap or a comfy bed! She can take a few minute to warm up to new people and places, but with the help of a few treats and gentle pets she soon feels at ease. Zola will play with toys and roll around in cat nip when her playful side comes out, but she is most happy spending time with her favorite people! Zola hopes you stop by our shelter soon and ask to meet her!
We confess...this WONE Joke of the Week starts with a priest and a rabbi, thanks to someone who doesn't want their name used but God knows who they are. So will Klaben Auto with The Works package going their way.
A priest and a rabbi are talking; the priest is out of town the coming weekend but there's nobody who will sit in on confession for him. The rabbi says he'd be glad to do it, and the priest invites him in for mid-week to get a feel of the process.
Both head for the confessional After waiting a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks, 'What did you do?" The woman says, "I committed adultery." The priest asks, "how many times?" The woman replies, "Three." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned." "What did you do?" asks the priest. "I committed adultery." "How many times?" the priest responds." "Three times." The priest says, "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The rabbi says, "What did you do?" The woman replies, "I committed adultery."
The rabbi says, "How many times?" The woman replies, "Once."
The rabbi said, "Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5."
Lady Elaine is a 6-7 year old Lab mix that weighs about 70 pounds. She is quite the lady, she has a wonderful laidback personality but still has pep in her step despite her age. She LOVES toys of all kinds but just a plain old tennis ball is her favorite. She gets along well with dogs but enjoys them best when they are as laidback as her. If you think you have room in your home and heart for this beauty, visit Pawsibilities, Humane Society of Greater Akron today!
Meet Amethyst! This pretty girl is looking for a home to call her own! Amethyst is a sweet 4 year old girl who enjoys cuddling up in your lap for pets and love! She usually takes a couple moments to get warmed up to new people and places, but with a few treats and gently pets she feels comfortable in no time! Amethyst is happiest when she is soaking up lots of love or taking quick naps on a cozy bed! She sometimes greets new people with a friendly meow! If you're interested in getting to know Amethyst better, please stop by our shelter and ask to meet her today!
Get ready for a ride thanks to K.C. of Akron with The Works from Klaben Auto for this gem.
Steeler Jim goes to the doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife Bengal Betty just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her? I am desperate!"
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental. The tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE!"
"I don't know, Doc, she's awfully cold..." sputters Jim. "Just one," admonishes the doctor. "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
Jim agrees and leaves for home, where Betty has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Jim hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into Betty's coffee.
He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.
And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. Betty returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
A few minutes after they finish, Betty shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near whisper, and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she rumbles "I...need... a man...NOW!"
Jim's eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."
Pike is a Pit Bull mix that was born around Oct 2015 and currently weighs about 30 pounds (but may have some more growing to do)! He enjoys toys of all kinds but a plush squeaky toy is the way to this pups heart. He can be shy when first meeting new people and would do best in a home with older children. He seems to get along well with most other dogs and he enjoys playing with them. Come in and adopt Pike today!
Speckles is a 4 year old female who arrived at our shelter with some of her feline friends. Speckles is a sweet girl who takes some time to adjust to new people and places. Once Speckles knows you, she will curl up on your lap for gentle pets or a quick nap! Speckles especially enjoys being pet around her chin and cheek area. Speckles has lived with other cats before and shows potential to get along with dogs who are on the calm side. This precious lady is hoping to make her way into a forever home soon! Speckles hopes you stop by our shelter and ask to meet her today!
Quickest decision for Joke of the Week -- EVER! Thanks Jim Gibson of Akron for what's sure to be a classic, winning the Speedway gift card from Klaben Auto.
"Pinocchio bumps into his old pal Geppetto, the carpenter who made him. Geppetto asks how he is getting it on with his girlfriend. "Not bad," Pinocchio says, "but when we have sex she keeps complaining about the splinters."
"Don't worry," says Geppetto, "I'll give you a sheet of fine sandpaper. That should sort out the problem." A few weeks later, they meet again. "How are things with your girlfriend now?" asks Geppetto.
"Who needs a girlfriend?" Pinocchio replies!!.
Warren is a 3-4 year old Beagle mix that weighs about 35 pounds. He can be shy when first meeting new people but with some time and patience he slowly starts to warm up. He also shows potential with the right dog but prefers them to be as laidback as he is. Due to his initial shyness, a lower traffic home with no small children would be best. After Warren gets to know you, he enjoys getting pets and being by your side. If you think that you may be the person to give Warren the safe home he has always dreamed of, visit PHSGA today to meet this special man!
Meet Olivia! This pretty 2 year old girl is hoping to find a home to call her own soon! Olivia is a sweet and loving girl who may take a few moments to warm up to new people and places. Once Olivia feels comfortable she enjoys receiving gentle pets and doesn't seem to mind being brushed or groomed. Olivia has lived with other cats before but will need time to adjust to a new feline friend and she shows potential to get along with a calm dog. Olivia likes to spend her days relaxing on a warm lap or soaking up a few rays of sunshine through the safety of a window. Olivia hopes you stop by our shelter soon and ask to meet her!