Going bananas over these #ichigan one liners from David Ard of Streetsboro who scores the Klaben Auto Works!
- Why wasn't Jesus born in Michigan? No wise men and no virgin!
- What do tornadoes and grads from Michigan have in common? They both end up in trailer parks.
- Why did the Post Office decide to abbreviate Michigan with an MI? Because it stands for "mostly idiots."
- How do you make University of Michigan cookies? Put them in a big bowl and beat for hours.
- Why are rectal thermometers banned at the University of Michigan? They cause too much brain damage.
- Why don't they breast feed their babies in Michigan? It hurts too much to boil a nipple.
Joke of the Week snared by Jamie DeMattia of Ravenna -- who picked up the Klaben Auto Works package! We've got another round of one liners...
A man comes home at three o'clock in the morning. His wife asks him where in hell has he been. He says "I've been bird watching." His wife asks "What kind of bird do you watch at three o'clock in the morning?!" He says "A redheaded, double breasted, yellow bellied mattress thrasher."
Did you hear about the two nuts walking in the park? One was a salted.
What do blondes refer to a good looking man with a brunette as? A hostage.
Did you hear that McDonald's is coming out with cow lips? They are calling them McJaggers.
Becky from Firestone Park wisely wants her name left out, but she still nails the Works from Klaben!
- Alcohol is the perfect solvent: it dissolves marriages, families and careers;
- Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
- Steeler fans: their ass is always jealous of the crap that comes out of their mouths.
Q: What did Cinderella doe when she got to the ball?
A: She gagged.
Joke of the Week courtesy Doug Lehman of Dalton, who nails The Works from Klaben for these!
You Know You're Having a Bad Day When....
- your horn sticks on the freeway, and you're behind 50 bikers;
- your car, house payment and girlfriend are all three months late;
- you're out drinking and have to get sick, but you have lockjaw.
You know you're having a REALLY bad day when:
- In the middle of a rather uncomfortable prostate exam, your realize the doctor has BOTH hands on your shoulders.
Congrats to Ron from the Portage Lakes and he's snared The Works from Klaben Auto for Joke of the Week honors -- the boys in the morning especially loved the final one.
With the Indians fans bringing goats to Progressive Field to jinx the Cubs in the World Series, what do they call goats in Pittsburgh? - Women.
How are men like used cars? - Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.
Why are brides dressed in white? - Because it matches the kitchen appliances.
Why don't men get mad cow disease? - Because they're pigs.
What to the Chicago Cubs and Pee Wee Herman have in common? - They both can't whack it in public.
It's a ONE LINER FRIDAY and Becky from Tallmadge scores The Works from Klaben!
Heard about the man from Pittsburgh who was a bit "premature"? The doctor introduced him to a mate with a short attention span.
How is sex like air? It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any.
Hear about the man from Pittsburgh arrested for fooling around with a horse? In his defense he claimed it was a stable relationship.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
Congrats to Mark Cunningham of Akron for the Joke of the Week, good enough for The Works from Klaben!
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a super athlete who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene with a young Iraqi soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
"I've got to get this guy!” the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom”, he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl !"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
The Joke of the Week goes to Becky Estep of Canton along with The Works from Klaben -- and it's a joke you can actually tell at the office!
While little Johnny was in school one day, his dog Laddie died.
Now Laddie was Johnny's best friend. They did everything together.
When Johnny got home from school, his mother said, “Johnny, I have some very, very sad news to tell you. Laddie died today.”
Johnny looked at her and said, “Okay, can I go outside and play?” “Are you sure you are okay?” his mother asked. “Sure” said Johnny and out the door he went.
His mother, confused, thought well, he took that very well.
A little while later Johnny's mother heard him calling for Laddie. “Laddie, Laddie. Where are you? Come play with me.” called little Johnny.
Mother came in the room and said, “Johnny, I told you earlier that Laddie died.”
“Laddie???????? Laddie??????” cried little Johnny. “I thought you said DADDY!!!!!!!!!”
Dave Anderson of North Ridgeville tops Joke of the Week and picks up The Works from Klaben Auto with this beauty.
Steeler Jim went to his doctor feeling run down. The doctor finishes his examination and says, "Steeler Jim, I cannot find and physical evidence for you to be so low on energy, it must be something else. Are you eating regularly and getting enough sleep?", the doctor asks.
Steeler Jim replies: "I eat well and am getting enough sleep. The doctor asks, how is your love life?" Steeler Jim replies not too bad. The doctor asks how many times a week? Steeler Jim said "...well, Bengal Betty and I have sex two maybe three times a week."
The doctor says, well nothing wrong there. Steeler Jim speaks up and says, "Doctor I have been having an affair with Betty's sister, Bengel Birtha." How many times a week?, asks the Doctor. Steeler Jim declares two three times.
The doctor says that's not so bad. Steeler Jim says Doctor, I have been seeing the woman next door, she just moved here from Baltimore, Raven Ramona and we have been have an affair.
The doctor asks how many times a week. Two, maybe three times a week, recalled Steeler Jim.
The doctor said, "Steeler Jim, I am starting to see a pattern that will explain your low energy. You are using too much energy with your affairs."
Steeler Jim said, "I have been having an affair with the female dispatcher at the trucking company." The doctor says, that's it, Steeler Jim, your low energy is definately from having too much sex. He grabs his arm and shakes Steeler Jim yelling, you have to get a hold of yourself.
Steeler Jim yells back, "Oh I do...two maybe three times a week."
Jason Saum of Akron scores with the Joke of the Week, snaring The Works from Klaben.
A Browns fan walks in to a sports bar. He orders a drink and an empty cocktail glass. He looks to his right and sees a guy dressed in a Steelers jersey. The guy in the Steelers jersey says, “Hi they call me Steeler Jim.”
The Browns fan says to Steeler Jim, I'll bet you 50 bucks I can pee in that glass from five feet away without getting a drop anywhere but in the glass. Steeler Jim looks at him and says, “That’s impossible...you’re on, I’ll take that bet.”
So the Browns fan climbs up on the bar, sets the glass 5 feet away and starts to go in it. He hit everything but the glass. Steeler Jim starts laughing and as he does the Browns fan turns to him and pees on him too.
Shocked Jim says, ”hey now you owe me 50 bucks." The Browns fan pays Steeler Jim the $50 and starts laughing.
Jim says, “You just lost 50 bucks, why are you laughing?” The Browns fan says, “Earlier I bet my friend the bartender $500 bucks that I could walk in here and pee on the first Steelers fan I saw and he’d be ok with it.”
Fire Chief Don Sweigert of Rittman gets The Works from Klaben for this week's Joke of the Week winner.
One day, many many years ago, a 7 year old boy named Jim went to visit his grandmother in western PA. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, Jim looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
Then little Jim heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, Jimmy, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend!"
Jeanne Everett shoots and scores with the Joke of the Week for that Klaben Auto Works package!
Three women were at the doctor's office for the second trimester check up.
The first woman, a brunette, said that she was sure that she would have a girl because when she made love to her husband, she was on top!
The second affirmed with certainty that she would have a boy, because she was on the bottom.
The blonde grabbed her head between her hands. "Oh, crap! Puppies!"
The Joke of the Week nets the Klaben Auto Works package for Bill Braham of Newton Falls for this preseason gem:
They called him Big Ben; he was the first football player to make it to the pros in a certain town, and when he left home for training camp in a western Pennsylvania town. His mother made him promise to write every day and let her know he was OK.
The very first letter, Ben writes: "Mama, the first day of practice was great. But the night wasn't so good. Me and Antonio tossed some of the linemen in the back of the truck and went out for a few drinks. On the way home, we went off the road and into the water."
"Me and Antonio are fine," he continued, "but the linemen in the back of the pickup didn't make it. They couldn't get the tailgate down."
Happy birthday, Steeler Jim.
WONE Joke of the Week winner Lennie Kueking of Canal Fulton sends us this timely one for the Klaben Auto Works Package.
Last Saturday afternoon, in Cleveland a lawyer for Josh Gordon visited the Catholic Church. He told the Bishop that Josh would be attending the next mass and he asked if the Bishop would kindly point out Josh to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Josh a saint.
The Bishop said, “No, I don't really like the man and there are issues of conflict with the Church over certain things Josh has done.
The lawyer said, “ I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Josh as a saint.” I’m gonna have the newspapers there and TV and radio reporters too. They need to hear this.
The Bishop thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon.”
As Josh's lawyer promised Josh appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. At the start of his sermon the Bishop pointed out that Josh was present and he went on to explain to the congregation that while Josh's presence is probably exciting to some, the man is not numbered among his personal favorite personages.
"Some of his actions are contrary to tenets of the Church," the priest intoned. "Josh is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucking baby and a nit wit. He smokes dope, does other drugs and is drunk a lot. He lies and is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed."
And, true to his word the Bishop concluded, “But, when compared with Ben Roethlisberger, Johnny Manziel or Art Model, Josh is a Saint.”