The WONE Joke of the Week winner is Klayleene Mantz of Akron, who grabs The Works from Klaben Auto.
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the Princess. But there was a problem. The princess was cursed. Anything she touched would melt. No matter what it was, metal, wood, stone, anything. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth. Three young princes took up a challenge.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned a little red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
What was in the prince’s pants? M&M’s of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand! What were you thinking???
Dave Anderson of North Ridgeville's getting The Works from Klaben for the WONE Joke of the Week.
Steeler Jim and Bengal Betty got married. That night in their honeymoon suite Steeler Jim bends over removes his pant and throws them over the Bengal Betty and says "Here, put these on."
Betty replies "I can't wear your pants!" Steeler Jim say that's right as long as we are married I wear the pants in the family. On Mondays I play golf, on Tuesday I play cards with the boys, Wednesday Thursday andFriday I go to the bar, Saturday I play soccer and Sunday I watch the Steelers.
Betty bends over removes her panties and throws them over to Jim and says "Here put these." Jim replies "You're crazy, I can;t get in these panties!" Betty replies "That's right, and you'll never get in those unless you change your schedule and attitude."
WONE's Joke of the Week with The Works from Klaben goes to Randy Meekins of Akron -- not AARP-approved.
Two VERY elderly Steelers fans decide to get married; on their honeymoon night, not much was happening. After a few minutes, the old man passes gas and says "Touchdown! Seven points."
The bride asks what that means, and he responds it's Fart Football. Smiling, a few minutes later she lets one loos and says "Touchdown, tie score!"
A little while later, the she adds another squeaker and says "Field goal, 10-7." Not be be outdone, the new groom strains as hard as he can and lets loose, a bit TOO much.
The wife asks "what does THAT mean?" He says "Halftime. Switch sides!"
This WONE Joke of the Week from Tom Bruce of Boston Heights is so wrong, on so many levels, that we've posted a special photo as a warning.
Scroll down more. Seriously.
One more time.
An actual tweet from Steeler Jim:
"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.”
Congrats to Ray Collins of Akron and we're sending him The Works from Klaben for the Joke of the Week!
After the Sundays game, Jim figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.
"All right honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."
"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies.
"What's the Four Play?" asks Jim.
"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."
(photo from AliExpress.com does not necessarily represent Mrs. Steeler Jim)
Now THIS WONE Joke of the Week has a disclaimer: do NOT read this an hour before -- or after -- lunch! Tim Watts of Norton gets the Klaben Auto Works package for this gem.
Steeler Jim was working as a truck driver. One day as he was out near the outskirts of Pittsburgh he starts feeling really hungry. He sees Jacks Greasy Spoon near the roadside and decides to go in.
He saunters up to the counter and takes a stool and says to the one-toothed, eye-patched waitress, "Hey darlin whatcha got good to eat besides yourself?"
Through the giggles and slobbers she says "...our house chili is on special today. We make it daily." Steeler Jim replies that sounds good get a bowl.
Well Jim eats that bowl right down and still feels hungry. "Hey sweetie could I get another bowl of chili?"
"Sorry," she says, "that was the last of it."
At this point Jim notices another patron next to him with his head down on the counter moaning and a bowl full of that chili sitting there to waste. "Hey buddy are you gonna eat that," asks Jim.
The guy groans...."No, no."
"Do you mind if I do," asks Jim. "Go ahead," the man replies.
Jim tears into the chili and when he gets to the bottom there's an eyeball in it.
Steeler Jim throws it all back up in the bowl. He looks at the guy and says "...did you know there was an eyeball in the bottom of that bowl?"
"Yeah," the other guy snarls. "I had the same reaction myself!"
Our first 2016 Joke of the Week winner is Kimberly Malachowski of Fairlawn for The Works from any of the three Klaben Auto Stores.
God is visiting Pittsburgh and made a special visit to a woman who was a Steelers fan; he told her she must change, or she'd wind up in Hell. God told her she must give up smoking, especially the cigar stubs she picks up in the Heinz Field parking lot after games; also no more drinking, and especially not more unmarried sex with her boyfriend, Jim.
She said she would try her best. A month later, God visited the woman to ask how she was doing.
"Not bad," she replied. "I've given up smoking and drinking, but yesterday I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and Jim couldn't control himself, and we made love right there."
"They don't like that in heaven," God responded sternly.
"They weren't too happy in Walmart either," she admitted.
The last Joke of the Week for 2015 comes from Tom Ferguson of West Salem for the Klaben Auto Works Package!
During a recent Pittsburgh Steelers home game, Ben Roethlisberger takes a shot to the head & stumbles to the sideline. With the new NFL concussion protocol, the team doctor must clear him before he can go back into the game. So, the doctor gives Ben a field test. First, he asks him "What is 3 + 5?" Ben answers "17." All the Steelers fans groan and start shouting "Put Ben in, put Ben in!" So, the doctor asks him another question "What is 14 - 3?" Ben answers "6." Again, all the Steelers fans groan and plead "Put Ben in, put Ben in!" So, the doctor tells Ben "This is your last chance, I will give you one more question to see if you are fit to play. What is 3 x 3?" Ben answers "9." Now the fans really started screaming; "Put him in anyway!'
Our pre-holiday Joke of the Week comes from Klayleene Mantz of Akron -- who scores The Works from Klaben!
Steeler Jim was celebrating his new job at the fire station and his new marriage; while on their honeymoon in Pittsburgh he informed his bride there would be a new system at home, and they would function like a fire station. "At one bell," he said, take your clothes off. "At two bells," he continued, jump into bed. "At three bells, we start fooling around."
So one day Steeler Jim came home and decided to try out his system. "One bell," he shouted. They both took off their clothes. He hollered "Two bells!" and both jumped into bed. "Three bells," he screamed, and they started fooling around like crazy.
A few minutes later, she cried "FOUR BELLS!!!!" Steeler Jim stopped..."FOUR bells? What's four bells?"
"Let out more hose," she yelled, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
The Joke of the Week comes from Burl Rogers of Akron...and it's close to home to win that Klaben Auto Works package!
Ed died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Jeff and Steeler Jim.
The three men had always done everything together.
Jeff arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Jeff said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Jeff said, "Nope, ain't Ed."
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Steeler Jim in to confirm the identity of the body. Jim looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Jim said, "No, it ain't Ed."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Steeler Jim said, "Well, Ed had two asses."
"What? He had two asses?" asked the incredulous mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em," responded Steeler Jim, "but everybody used to say: 'There's Ed with them two asses."
A new meaning for "Steel Curtain" wins Joke of the Week; Lois McNabb scores The Works from Klaben.
In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries company, people from Pittsburgh proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower. 86% of Pittsburgh residents say they have enjoyed sex in the shower within the past week.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
Lydia is a 5 year old Beagle mix that weighs about 30 pounds. This little peanut is shy when first meeting some new people but with some time and patience she starts to warm up and enjoys getting pets. She gets along well with most other dogs but enjoys them best when they are as laid-back as her. She seems to get along with kitties and would do best in a home with older children. This sweetheart would love to meet you today!
Meet Rochelle! This friendly girl arrived at the shelter as a nursing mom with kittens. All her kittens have found awesome homes and now its Rochelle's turn! She is a very easy going girl who gets along well with everyone she meets! Rochelle enjoys being pet and loved on, along with curling up in a comfy cat bed for a quick nap! If you're interested in meeting Rochelle, please stop by our shelter and ask to meet her today!
PAWSibilities®, Humane Society of Greater Akron
330-487-0333 | Toll Free: 1 (888) LUV-THEM
A holiday Joke of the Week salute and the Klaben Auto Works goes to Lori from Brecksville along with a bonus Jim Gaffigan link:
When he was a young man, Mr. Leonard’s family fell upon hard times. Thanksgiving was coming soon as his mama nervously counted her pennies. It was time to buy a turkey to serve her family on Thanksgiving, but her budget fell short of the amount needed to buy it.
That afternoon, young Mr. Leonard went into town to fetch his mama some milk when he saw a poster advertising a CONTEST TO WIN A FREE turkey for Thanksgiving. All you had to do to win the turkey was to have the biggest -- organ. And not a piano. He was blessed and knew he would win.
So he goes home shouting, “Mama, I found a way to get you a big juicy turkey for you to serve at Thanksgiving Dinner.”
His mama says, “Thank the good Lord. Our prayers have been answered, but tell me how are you going to afford this big Thanksgiving turkey, dear Leonard?”
Young Leonard hesitates at first, but then quickly answers, “Well, you see Mama, there is a contest in town on Sunday afternoon, and I just know that I will win us that turkey.”
Confused and curious, his Mama asks him, “What do you have to do to win, dear son?”
Stuttering in a shy soft voice, he looks down to the ground as he says, “Well, I just kinda…I gotta show…ah, hell, the man in town with the biggest ---‘um,---you know ----pointing to his manhood---wins that big juicy delicious turkey.”
“Oh no!” says Mama. “I won’t have it! I won’t have you showing all of your private parts to the whole town just to win me a turkey. We will just have to think of another way.”
Mr Leonard looks up at her and says with a convincing voice, “Mama, don’t worry! I’m not going to show the towns people ALL of my private parts….JUST ENOUGH TO WIN THE TURKEY.”
Link to go with the joke: http://www.cbsnews.com/news/jim-gaffigan-on-getting-stuffed-for-thanksgiving/
Joke of the Week for the Klaben Auto Works Package goes to the anonymous listener to provided this gem to Jeff Kinzbach at O'Reilly Auto Parts in Kent last weekend:
Question:How can you tell if a guy is a real loser?
Answer: Even his blow up doll cheats on him!