The joke of the week comes from James Midolo of New London -- and it's seven for the price of one!
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault - I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night ... or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, my wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself - I started to feel a lot better. So I thought – the hell with it !!!
I woke up this morning at 8 am, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor - not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:00.
The other night my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?!"
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex!